


I Always Thought That I'd See You Again

by moreculturelesspop



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Always Female Dean Winchester, Child Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Male Castiel/Female Dean Winchester, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29321163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moreculturelesspop/pseuds/moreculturelesspop
Summary: Deanna and Cas mourn their daughter.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 15





	I Always Thought That I'd See You Again

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of stillbirth, not graphic.

She doesn’t hear his footsteps, so she jumps a little when he sits down beside her. She is curled up on the floor of the den, her back against the sofa. Their thighs touch as he sits next to her and she can’t help but look at the way their bodies touch.

“How are you doing?” he quietly asks, not want to disrupt the silence of the bunker.

“Fine,” she quickly says. “You?”

“Today would have been-” he starts.

“I know,” she interrupts. She picks her half-full glass up from the floor beside her and takes a swig. They sit in silence for a little, the only sound is the clinking of the glass as she places it on the floor. “I still feel her still.”

“I’m sorry.” He looks down at his hands, unsure the right words to convey their grief. He isn’t wearing his trench coat, he knows it makes Deanna uncomfortable. It reminds her of the angel who betrayed who, the angel she blamed for her mother’s death.

“I still feel her little kicks in the morning,” she quietly tells him, a hand splayed across her flat belly. “I can feel that she likes warm showers, not cold ones and sometimes I think I can feel her moving around.” Cas gently takes her hand in his. He wants to kiss the back of her hand but he’s scared she’d punch him from the gentle action.

“Dee-” he starts.

“I know it’s just the turkey burger or my period. I know she’s gone. I’m not crazy. Sometimes, you know?”

“You ever think about trying for another?”

“I’m not going to fuck you Cas,” she half-jokes, attempting to smile. “We can’t just replace her like a car art.”

“Dee,” he says again, turning to face her.

“I’m sorry, my body failed you,” she says, looking down at her knees.

“Don’t say that,” he urgently replies.

“They would have been born today; we should have a little girl here. We should have some fucking apple pie life and a yard, a little yellow nursery and not a plot of land with her ashes in.”

“I know,” he says with a little sigh. “If I had stopped you going on that case. If I had spoken to Sam first.”

“It was me. The doctors said it was _my_ body that failed. I killed her.”

“No,” he whispers, rubbing his cheek against her, “Do not say that.” He gently wipes her tears away.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” she says, placing her hand on her empty belly.

“You don’t have to be.”

The walk silently to her room, making sure to not wake anyone else up in the bunker. It’s the first time he’s been in her room since they lost their daughter. The first time she had acknowledged their loss since the buried her ashes in the nearby forest. The stand in front of each other at the end of her bed, their bed.

She unbuttons his shirt slowly as he stands unnaturally still. She slides his shirt off, revealing his wide broad shoulders. She rests her head against his chest, feeling a heartbeat that wasn’t keeping him alive. She wraps her arms around his back, feeling his warmth and taking in his scent. He gently kisses the top of her head. She was usually his height in her boots but now she seemed so small and delicate as he wraps his arms around her.

He kisses the top of her head. She leans up and gently kisses him, her lips barely touching his. “I can’t, I’m still not ready.”

“I understand. I’m not here for that.” She finally lets go, lets her guard down, sobbing into his chest. He takes her face in his hand and kisses the trails of tears that are running down her cheeks. They’re tinted black from the mascara she was wearing that morning.

They eventually fall into bed together, the routine and stripping to their undergarments well-rehearsed. “I missed you, Cas,” she says. He rolls onto his side and takes her in his arms, making sure the sheets were covering her body.

“I’m here,” he murmurs into her hair. This is the first time she had touched him since their loss. Last time they were like this she had a belly, she had larger breasts filling with milk, she had dreams of their future family. He presses his hand against her flat belly before he even realises it. She says nothing as he splays his hands against the now flat, empty space.

“You ever think about Gia?” she tiredly mumbles into his neck, her cold bare legs entwining with his.

“All the time,” he tells her. He thinks about her every second he can bare it. Thinks about her closed eyes, her tiny fingers, the silence in the room when she entered the world. He held her, wrapped up in the little blue blanket, and sobbed. There was he could do with his limited powers, she had died before she even had a chance in the cruel world. Deanna didn’t cry, she quickly had to look away, her hands shaking as she held Gia. “It’s okay to think about her, to miss her.”

“I sometimes wonder if she ever existed, that it wasn’t some fucking cruel dream.”

“We won’t forget her,” he whispers, stroking her hair our of her face. Won’t forget the way Deanna squeezed his hand with the contractions, won’t forget the panic in her eyes when her water broke 13 weeks too early, won’t forget the shame as they left the hospital without their child.

“I want to be with you,” she murmurs. She rearranges herself so she is in his direct eye-line. She cups his face in her hands, admiring his strong jawline. “But I, I can’t stop thinking about it. The blood, the pain-. The idea of being close to someone again, to fuck, to even consider having enough. I can’t,”

“I know. I still love you.”

“Don’t.”

“I love you,” he replies firmly. “I don’t care if we never have sex, never have children, never get any of those so-called apple pie things you so often mention. I’ll have you any way you let me.”

“You deserve more than me, Cas,” she says, one lone tear running down her splotchy yet beautiful face.

“If still had all my powers, if I was fully healed,” She shakes her head, almost in pain and the thought he could blame himself for their loss. She wraps her arms and her legs around him, burying her head in his shoulder. “I’m not going to leave you, Deanna.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my cheerful content. Comments are welcomed. Anyone struggling with the motivation to be creative? 2021 has really kicked my ass both professionally and with my fanfiction.


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